Overwhelming sense of ICK

[eregyrn]

Man. I am in a spectacularly BAD mood, and I have no idea why. I'm in A FUNK, and there's no reason for it, and that makes me nuts.

No, it's not hormones. No, wise-ass, it's not because the NHL season was officially cancelled yesterday. (Though, still: grrr.) Work was stressful *last* week (I had the requisite Huge Anxiety Dream last night about the Big Event that actually went perfectly well *last* weekend; but that's normal), this week is fine. Yeah, I officially wrote my teacher yesterday and quit hula, and yeah, one of my friends from the class is having a hard time letting me do that, and yeah, that's kind of hitting me with some self-esteem issues, but I'd worked through all that, or I thought I did.

It's a long weekend. I wrote 3,000 words last night. I have a cute little new/used laptop to play with. I found an outfit for this upcoming wedding that I think will work okay. For said wedding, I get to go to England ("get to" meaning of course, "get to pay to", but still), and even though that's a lot of planning, it's still something fun to look forward to. Folks have been posting all kinds of good birthday-fics on LJ and even if many of them aren't within my sphere of interest (cause, duh, they're within the sphere of interest of those whose birthdays it *is*), it's still nice, and some wind up hitting me in exactly the right place, like Otter's "Post Hoc". I really need to find or make some new SG icons (but typically, I don't know what I *want*). I get to see friends tonight whom I missed seeing last week, and the SG episode is supposed to be pretty good, or at least funny (if I can get in the right mood for it).

Why should I be sitting here, feeling all hollow and anxious and unhappy and near tears? I'm serious. It doesn't make any *sense*. Nor is it appropriate for a workday, frankly. Bleah. I don't get it, and I don't like it.

Comments

[tafkarfanfic.livejournal.com]

*makes big eyes at you*

You wrote? Wanna see...

I wish I were there to give you hugs, or take you to Burdick's for cocoa.

[eregyrn.livejournal.com]

Awww. I wish you were here, too, except of course if you were, then you'd be stuck *HERE*, rather than being in lovely CA with Boy and Exciting Stuff (and getting to go to Escapade, am all jealous, etc.).

I don't know if this mood is extra making me miss People, too, or whether missing People is contributing to the mood.

You wrote? Wanna see...

... Yeah, thing is, I don't know. This is another area of an apparently contradictory swirl of emotions. (I wrote, I accomplished something, for its small audience it seems to be okay) versus (god, I'm a hack) And *this* (LJ), this isn't a stage I've gone out on, and I don't know if I have enough faith in myself to step onto it, given the company I keep.

[okojosan.livejournal.com]

Bah, you were always one of my favorite writers in Logres! Reading one of your stories was always a treat, and you were the only Logres writer who made me cry.

I want to see what you wrote, too!

As for the bad mood, I'm sorry. :( Not sure what else to say... I've been like that for most of a year.

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

Bad moods suck, and I completely sympathize. Maybe it is partly the hula thing; that kind of thing can stick with me sometimes, even when I think it isn't.

[eregyrn.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That might be a big part of it. I realize that what I was flailing around trying to express was that clearly, I had a lot of self-esteem bound up in it, and in the beginning, it was good for my self-esteem; but lately, it seriously hasn't been. And yeah, when it gets to that point, Not Doing It is probably a good idea. But the quitting itself is also a self-esteem hit. And probably I'm projecting that all over a whole bunch of other things about which nothing is actually wrong.

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

In the off chance that you do feel that way, I don't think you should feel like a quitter for leaving the situation you described. You're an adult; you're allowed to say This Isn't Working For Me, and good for you for doing it.

[maxineofarc.livejournal.com]

Right there with you. I've been horrible to everyone around me for the last week for no reason. Yeah, I'm busy at work, but...

[eregyrn.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I haven't really SEEN anybody to be horrible too, although yeah, I'd probably kick puppies, if given the chance.

I'm holing up this weekend trying to recover from last, and also get some creative stuff done, but I was thinking -- coming out for a visit next Saturday? Maybe?

[maxineofarc.livejournal.com]

Hell yeah! Unfortunately the most spectacular of the wallpaper is now gone.

[klia.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's the anti-climax blues. You did the stuff you set your mind to, and now you're going... feh.

[eregyrn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but... I'm familiar with the "feh". I get the "feh" a lot. And it's usually just very... feh. Not so much with the crying and the anxiousness and junk.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I understand the crying and anxiety all too well, unfortunately. Could it possibly be a mild midwinter depression?

[eregyrn.livejournal.com]

Dunno. I'm not usually prone to that, but hey, considering the joys of getting older and ever-changing biochemistry, who knows?

[jenlev.livejournal.com]

i think that sometimes things like the hula situation can leave a residual taste behind that takes a while to clear. sending you good thoughts and a {{{hug}}}, also an email on the side.

i hope that scifi friday helps the mood to dissipate, and good news that the writing went well. enjoy the laptop too. oh, i just thought of this...every time i get a new laptop i end up having buyer's anxiety. not the same as buyer's remorse, just anxiety and a related itch until i get settled in with it.

{{{hugs}}}